Amazing Grace...

This post is for my boys, Lucas and Grayson, so that they might truly understand one day how much they mean to me and how they changed my life forever for the better.

In my younger days, my per-responsibilities days, I went to work sometimes and sometimes I didn't...Fridays or Mondays were if-y. I paid my bills mostly, sometimes I didn't.  I never ate on a regular basis, never.  And I very rarely loved myself, almost never.

Even after I met Brian who proved to be my rock during some very unstable times, I still didn't find value in myself as I should have.

Very likely, I valued myself as much or as little as many girls in my position that were battling self-esteem issues.  I never thought or felt that I was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough or in general good enough.  Period.

I put on a good front.  I was generally cheerful, agreeable... I tried desperately to get along with everyone. Myself included.

Brian certainly helped to lift my self-esteem, he was definitely the ray of light to my darkness.

But, it wasn't until I had Lucas Ethan that I finally began to feel worthwhile.  I was put on this Earth to be the best momma I could possibly be to this little being.  And I was from the time that there was an extra line just barely visible on that little stick.  That was the point that I became a momma.  It was like breathing, it came so naturally.

I was this tiny being's protector.  And when my water broke at home at 11 o'clock at night on his due date, I was ready.

Mommy meets her first born

And then the next morning at 8:37 a.m. on 2/26/07, within a blink of an eye, there he was, wriggling and writhing, routing and nursing. He was my gift from God.

This love, this love was like no other love I had ever experienced.  I was no longer a tired, irritable, anxious person.  I was a "who needs sleep, have you seen this miracle?!?" person.  And he grew and he grew, and each day brought new wonders and amazement.

The first few days of his life were spent in the hospital.

IV antibiotics were delivered for 7 days after birth

When we all got to come home together he learned to coo, drool, smile, army crawl, scoot, put things in his mouth that he shouldn't and laugh out loud so big I thought he might stop breathing.  This all happened in what seemed like a matter of minutes.  He is wicked smart, you know.

We took trips to the zoo, the museum, and visited family every weekend just so they could get the proper dose of Lucas love on a regular basis and he grew more and more adorable day by day.

Always smiling

And on his first birthday...

Double chocolate heaven

We found out that we were pregnant with his soon to be sibling, and we were overjoyed!

Lucas continued to grow and so did I!  Lucas learned to walk, talk and sing his ABC's and I started to waddle, craved Moe's and developed baby brain.

Days before we our newest bundle of joy was born, we took a trip to the fair :)

We brought home some cotton candy :)

And took a jaunt to a pumpkin patch...

Notice how the 1 year old nicely camouflages the extra large baby bump.

On 10/26/08 labor began with baby number 2... only I didn't know it.  I labored all day with what they call "back labor."

Though my back pain wasn't extreme, the constant ache was enough to keep me awake most of that night. So, I paced the hall of our little home from 3 a.m. until 7 a.m., when finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I woke Brian up and had him call his mom to come get Lucas. 

We called our midwife as soon as the office opened and even though we had just been in two days prior she brought us in for another check. I was 3 cms dilated and 100% effaced and definitely contracting steadily. We got whisked away to the hospital at 9:15 a.m. and by that afternoon shortly after 5:00 p.m. we were holding our precious Grayson Elliott. 

He was practically perfect in every way. To have been blessed with one beautiful, healthy child and now this perfect little miracle... God is good. 

Our family of 3 was now a happy family of 4

Being discharged from the hospital went a little more smoothly than it had with Lucas, though just in time for Halloween, Grayson turned into a pumpkin.  His bilirubin was through the roof. 

 So we dressed him up like a glow worm :)

Slowly, but surely he lost his baby tan and we finally got to love and cuddle him properly, for more than just feedings.  He nursed like a champ and put on weight instantly.  He wouldn't sleep unless he was on my chest, so he and I slept sitting up on the couch for 3 weeks straight.  I didn't mind, my newborn and my living room was my world. 

Brian was more or less a single daddy to Lucas during that time. In fact, they stayed with my in-laws for a little over a week to quarantine Lucas because he got the flu. It was a bit distressing, but necessary.  

When we all came back together, the reunion was amazing.  Lucas warmed instantly to his baby brother and we fell quickly into our new routine. 

They've grown to love and annoy each other in that special way that only brothers can and they are without a doubt best friends. 

In just 13 short days we will have a 3 year old on our hands, and short 4 months after that, a 5 year old too.  

I'm amazed daily by how far we've come so quickly.  It all seems like only yesterday Brian and I were taking our first trip together as a couple and just beginning to fall in love.  Turns out it would be the lasting love of our lifetime.  And from our love would grow a beautiful family. 

Pigeon Forge, Tennessee 02/21/03

These boys of mine (my husband included) are my life, and God's light shines through them.  They are why I get up every morning, they are why I work to be a better person, they are my everything and I love them with every fiber of my being. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,  
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,  
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Lessons learned...

...And a movie review...

There are so many lessons to be learned everyday and I've been reminded of a very important lesson while watching Meet the Robinsons with my boys tonight; family is what you make of it.  Leave it to the wonderful world of Disney to make it so easily apparent. 

If you haven't seen this movie yet, I'll sum it up for you. 

***Spoiler Alert***

In this particular animated film an inventive boy is orphaned as a baby and after 12 years and several (124, to be exact) meetings with possible adoptive parents, the boy gives up on trying to please prospective parents and sets his sights on recalling the memory of his mother so that he can find her and reunite with the one person he is sure will love him.  In order to do this he puts all of his efforts into inventing a memory scanner that can pull a memory from his sub-conscience from a specific time entered into the machine.  Specifically, 12 years, 3 months and 11 days prior... the day he was given up. When he completes work on his machine he feels that the best place to unveil his new invention is at his school's science fair.  Little does he know that because of this memory scanner he will become one of the most successful inventors of the future.  And little does he know that one of his future inventions gone bad has come back from the future to stop him from being credited with this invention.  The second twist comes in when we find out that the boy's son has come back from the future too to help his dad become the person he knows he should be. 

As the story unfolds, the viewer is introduced to a number of colorful, unique characters from the future that capture your heart and make you laugh.  The stories turning point comes when the future family realizes that the boy from the past is their patriarch.  He must be sent back in an effort not to alter the space time continuum...obviously.  After all the ins and outs and back and forth, thwarted bad guys, and with the first lesson of the movie setting in that no matter what, you must always "keep moving forward," the main character finally gets the chance to meet the mother that abandoned him on the front step of the orphanage...and he chooses not to.  He doesn't need to meet her anymore. He knows that he already has a family waiting on him, he just hasn't met them yet. Or he has, but he doesn't know how they will all fit together. 

Finally, we end up back at the science fair and the boy unveils his memory scanner which works perfectly.  We also find out that at this same science fair, his adoptive parents find him and they are all exactly where they should be, just as they should be; together.  The movie closes with Rob Thomas' Little Wonders and scenes of a little boy who finally has a place and feels accepted.  

This was a wonderfully touching moving that pulled at my heartstrings and yes, I'll admit it, I cried.  I couldn't help myself.  I think that everyone has felt like they don't belong at one point or another and when you finally find a square hole to fit your square peg it feels amazing.  Family is what you make of it.  Family does not need to be blood born; blood does not define family.  Being together with those you love defines family, it doesn't matter where they came from or how you came to be together, all that matters is that you're together, happy, and love each other. 

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know, the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end

Crisp air and cozy blankets...

Fall is one of my favorite seasons.  Fall for me equals crisp air, open windows, warm blankets, rich colors in the trees, pumpkins, sweatshirts, football, fair...the list goes on and on.

Our little family has been welcoming autumn with open arms.  The boys are in footie pajamas, cinnamon rolls are in the oven and my husband looks as though he's on a perpetual camping trip - always scruffy and a little disheveled. As for the house, all of our seasonal decorations are on display including fall themed doormats, pumpkins of all shapes and sizes, a scarecrow on the front porch and most importantly pumpkin and vanilla spice scents in every room.

Today, everything feels as it should be.  Our world is calm and at peace and life couldn't be better.